Epic Jokes

• All the good ones are taken.
• If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason.
• The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
• Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
  This constant is always zero.
• The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
• Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
• The best things in the world are free — and worth every penny of it.
• Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
• Nice guys (girls) finish last.
• The good ones die first.
• If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
• Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• Nothing improves with age.
• No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• Virginity can be cured.
• When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
• Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
• Do it only with the best.
• Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
  Anonymous comment:
  The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all…NEVER loved and lost!
• Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.
• Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.
• Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
• Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• Never say no.
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
• Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• Love comes in spurts.
• The world does not revolve on an axis.
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
• Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
• Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• Never go to beds mad, stay up and fight.
• Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
• "This won’t hurt, I promise."
• Nothing improves with age.
• An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part".
• When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn’t listen.
  When that same man doesn’t want his wife to hear, she’s all ears.
• It’s always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
• Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
• If you’re heart is broken, sweep up the pieces.
  There will always be someone who will want to put it back together.
• Love and high-school must NEVER go together.
• If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Sobbing…
Naked…
and erect.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey, ‘she said, ‘You received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce

Revelare pecunia!
Show me the money!
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I’ve got to see a man about a dog.
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Ut humiliter opinor
In my humble opinion
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.
Sona si latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
Noli me vocate, ego te vocabo.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.
Non, mihi ignosce, credo me insequentem esse
No, excuse me, I believe I’m next
Quid agis, medice?
What’s up, Doc?
Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn
Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can’t say that in Latin.
Me transmitte sursum, caledoni
Beam me up Scotty.
Minime senuisti!
You haven’t aged a bit!
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Buy a falconer’s glove.

Approach the girl you like wearing the falconers glove.

Ask her “Excuse me, have you seen a falcon fly by here?”

Look up to the sky, hopeful/sad.

If she says “No,” look distraught and ask her if she wouldn’t mind helping you look for your falcon.

No human being would ever turn down an opportunity like this.

Use the time you spend together searching for the falcon to get to know her.

At the end of your search (10 minutes) you will probably need consoling re: the loss of your one true friend.

By this point her interest in you based on the fact that you were able to put so much love and time into the raising of a falcon will more than ensure a second date, and from there it’s just a hop skip and a jump to marriage. 

Good luck!

*NOTE: If by chance a falcon does appear out of nowhere, simply say ” (falcon’s name) I’ve missed you so much! Don’t ever scare me like that again!” Then offer to take the girl to dinner for helping you find your lost falcon. Bonus: You just got a free falcon!

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to
 him before he goes to class/ work.

 2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back to far, and
 fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then,
 one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing,
 get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore"

 3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read
 without one when the lights are out, remarking ever so often how great the
 book is.

 4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf
 for about fifteen minutes. Then. pretend to wipe out and fall off the
 bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate
 comes over to rescue you.

 5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday.
 Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of
 ketchup.  When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the
 empty cage and tell him/her, "I was hungry."

 6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug in the
 toaster. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain
 that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests
 plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire safety.

 7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you are going
 away to "find yourself". Leave, and come back in about ten minutes.
 If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find.

 8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
 him something, go to another room and call him on the phone.

 9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
 water. When he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go
 to sleep. If he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie
 on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making gagging
 sounds, until he gets it for you.

 10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
 begin to violently slam dance with your roommate. If he asks
 about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist."

 11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.
 Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see
 you again."

 12. Get a can of beans. Label them "jumping beans". Eat them, and then
 jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Dancing
 beans".  Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can,
 and Label it "Kill your roommate beans". Eat them, smiling at your
 roommate.

 13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then
 wake him up and say, "Ok, it's time for you to go to bed now."

 14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with
 you every morning.

 15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books all the time. Eventually, think up
 melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your
 roommate. If he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the
 day in bed.

 16. Put up traffic signs around the house. If your roommate doesn't obey
 them, give him tickets. Confiscate something you roommate owns
 until he pays the tickets.

 17. Walk, talk and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
 inquires, tell him, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

 18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
 bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to fix them.

 19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate
 dying in a car crash," and "Roommate getting whacked in the head
 with a shovel." Comment often on how much you love these paintings.

 20. Wear glasses and complain that you can never see anything. Bump
 into walls and floors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's
 That?"every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing
 the glasses, act like you can see fine.

 21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements
 with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a
 connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp, and tell
 your roommate that, "Grandma say's hi!"

 22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
 collection of "inert gasses". Look at them often. One day, act
 surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released
 one of the gasses.  Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

 23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
 hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

 24. Roller skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
 roommate, crash into him and knock him down. Apologize and
 say that he, "looked like the enemy."

 25. Put headphones on your roommate while he is sleeping, and
 subliminally teach him to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and
 memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.

 26. Stick you head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your
 head crashes through the glass. Then say, "SILLY ME," open the
 window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your
 head on something and fall to the ground in pain.

 27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you
 upon sight If he refuses, insist that he do 100 push-ups. Keep
 saying thins like, "your momma isn't here to take care of you
 anymore!"

 28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add
 to it, and say things like, "in a little while I'll have enough for
 that sailboat!"

 29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into
 the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate
 inquires, refuse to discuss the situation and say, "It's between me
 and the bunny."

 30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like
 you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message
 from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved
 one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration.

‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you’ve sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?’ asks the robber?

There is a few moments of silence, when one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."