Epic Jokes

Greatest embarrassment in the life of a man

admin — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 18:04:18 +0000

I’m sure you’ve been through this.

The real truth

admin — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 19:03:36 +0000

The cow from Scotland

admin — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 17:25:40 +0000

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.
It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland"

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband‏

admin — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:50:06 +0000

A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l
let them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”

Banned from Target

admin — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 12:35:18 +0000

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called..
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Murphy’s teaching laws

admin — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 21:29:09 +0000

The clock in the instructor’s room will be wrong.

Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.

A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.

The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.

A meeting’s length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.

Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.

The problem child will be a school board member’s son.

When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.

If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.

New students come from schools that do not teach anything.

Good students move away.

When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed".

The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher’s union negotiates.

The instructor’s study hall be the largest in several years.

The administration will view the study hall as the teacher’s preparation time.

Clocks will run more quickly during free time.

On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent

If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.

Murphy’s Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.

5 hour energy

admin — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 20:15:55 +0000

They fail

Male and Female stages of life

admin — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 22:07:56 +0000

The Male Stages Of Life

AGE DRINK

    17          beer
    25          vodka
    35          scotch
    48          double scotch
    66          Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

    17          My parents are away for the weekend.
    25          My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
    35          My fianc�e is away for the weekend.
    48          My wife is away for the weekend.
    66          My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

    17          sex
    25          sex
    35          sex
    48          sex
    66          napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

    17          "tongue"
    25          "breakfast"
    35          "She didn’t set back my therapy."
    48          "I didn’t have to meet her kids."
    66          "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

    17          getting to third
    25          airplane sex
    35          menage a trois
    48          taking the company public
    66          Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

    17          roaches
    25          stoned-out college roommate
    35          German Shepherd
    48          children from his first marriage
    66          Barbi

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    17          25
    25          35
    35          48
    48          66
    66          17

The Female Stages Of Life

AGE DRINK

    17          Wine Coolers
    25          White wine
    35          Red wine
    48          Dom Perignon
    66          Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

    17          Need to wash my hair
    25          Need to wash and condition my hair
    35          Need to colour my hair
    48          Need to have Francois colour my hair
    66          Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

    17          shopping
    25          shopping
    35          shopping
    48          shopping
    66          shopping

    DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
    17          "Burger King"
    25          "Free meal"
    35          "A diamond"
    48          "A bigger diamond"
    66          "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY
    17          tall, dark and handsome
    25          tall, dark and handsome with money
    35          tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
    48          a man with hair
    66          a man

    HOUSE PET
    17          Muffy the cat
    25          Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
    35          German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
    48          Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
    66          Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

   WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    17          17
    25          25
    35          35
    48          48
    66          66

   IDEAL DATE
    17          He offers to pay
    25          He pays
    35          He cooks breakfast the next morning
    48          He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
    66          He can chew breakfast

Double homicide case

admin — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 21:49:02 +0000

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.
“Bastard!” the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

Chuck Norris vs Angry Birds

admin — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 18:18:15 +0000

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to charge his kick