Category Archives: Doctors

Mental Institution

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Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?” Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. “What would happen if I cut off both your ears?” “I’d be completely blind.” “Dan, how can you explain that you’d be blind?” asked the doctor. “Well,” replied Dan, “my hat would fall over my eyes.”

Two Inmates in a Nut House

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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"

What doctors really thinking

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“

This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“This may hurt a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

Five Surgeons

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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed, "You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easie st to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Helluva Headache

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The doctor said, "Jerry, the good news is that I can cure your
headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration.  
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press
on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.  
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he
had no choice but to go under the knife.  
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.  
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.  
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need – a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see…size 44
long." Jerry laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!"  Jerry tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about a new shirt?" Jerry thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Jerry and said, "Let’s see…34 sleeve and 16 and a
half neck." Jerry was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!"  Jerry tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How
about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Jerry’s feet and said, "Let’s see…9-1/2 E." Jerry was astonished,
"That’s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jerry walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Jerry thought for a second and said,
"Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, "Let’s see, size 36."
Jerry laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18  years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."

Chronic bronchitis

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A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

"You’re so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:

"Why, my dear sir, I’ve had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."

A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new [Pg 73]physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:

"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"

The sick man shook his head doubtfully.

"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I’ve missed so far is my watch."

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:

"God save the King."

The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, as follows:

"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad—think me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy—no can come. Me get well."

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.

"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students:

"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"

Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:

"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."

The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:

"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones’ boy—he’s sick."

"Is it serious?"

"Yes. I don’t know what’s the matter with him, but she has a book on what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she mustn’t do it."