Epic Jokes

Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity.

A man sees a fat man sitting in a train cabin. Taunting, he asks: “Is this cabin for elephants only?” The fat man humbly replies: “No! Even monkeys like you can sit!”

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s [...]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn’t tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for dinner dad?” [...]

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said: “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!” The other woman turned to her and said “I know! I [...]

A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. “Is it true that you called him a liar? “Yes, I did.” “Did you call him stupid?” “Yes.” “And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?” “No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?”

They’ve got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that’s fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: “What’s wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?” Groom: “I had Tolio as a child.”Bride: “You mean Polio?”Groom: “No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes.” The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: [...]

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her [...]