Epic Jokes

Mailman of the year

Mr. T was actually raised by a tribe of wookies living high in the Sierra mountains. They blessed him with the ability to pity fools and taught him their sacred language of Jibba Jabba.

The first human alphabet consisted of only ‘Mr.’ and ‘T’. Other letters eventually had to be created in order to describe things that were not, in fact, awesome.

Scientists theorize that Mr. T cannot catch AIDS because his T-cells pity the virus into submission. The study of this phenomenon would lead to an AIDS vaccine; however doctors cannot obtain a blood sample because medical science has been unable to invent a hypodermic needle capable of piercing Mr. T’s skin.

When cloning technology was first being researched, Mr. T was called in to be a test subject. However, there was a terrible miscalculation and the accident created Booker T. (Many many more after the break…)

Mr. T once pitied a third of Europe. This event is now known as The Black Death.

Don’t ever call Mr. T, just “T”, somebody did that once, just once…

Mr. T was really the one responsible for the end of the Cold War. President Reagan sent him over to Russia and upon entering, had so much crunk around his neck, completely destroyed the standard value of gold for those Commie sons of bitches.

Curious but true: the circumference of Mr. T’s chest divided by the circumference of his biceps equals the number of pounds of gold around his neck. Check for yourself if you don’t believe me.

Mr. T is the reason your son is black.

Guns dont kill people, Mr. T kills people.

Mr. T got all his gold chains during a wild night of flashing his man boobs at Mardi Gras in 1993.

Mr. T’s trademark phrase “I pity the foo” was in the first copy of the bible. It was later removed because his righteous gold chains were being worshiped as false idols.

When Mr. T sleeps, he stores his gold chains in a special closet built for this purpose. We know this place as “Fort Knox”.

The movie “Clash of the Titans” was originally supposed be about an epic battle between Chuck Norris and Mr. T. During the first first scene atop Mt. Vesuvius, however, the volcano could not handle the sheer pressure and erupted, burying the city of Pompeii. Hollywood thus invented Greek civilization. Archeologists, while later excavating Pompeii, were to surprised to uncover a series of large gold chains, including one with a giant T emblem.

They’ve done studies, you know. Sixty precent of the time, Mr. T pities you all the time.

Mr. T shot the sheriff and the deputy.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Mr. T never learned to read. Letters learned to accomodate Mr. T’s mind.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris once decided to fight each other. As both possess infinite strength, time and mass became a non issue. The fight is over, still going on, and yet to begin all at the same time. This evidence is what gave Einstein his big “relativity” idea. While the results of the fight are impossible for anyone to comprehend, let alone know, two things are certain. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked somebody in the face, and Mr. T pitied a fool.

The last person who touched Mr. T’s gold chains was Helen Keller.

Earthquakes don’t happen when the plates in the Earth are over-stressed by tectonic forces. They happen when Mr. T has to listen to too much jibba-jabba at once, which makes him angry enough to punch cracks in the Earth felt for hundreds of miles.

Mr. T plays ping pong with a medicine ball.

Mr. T was asked to be a consultant during the filming of Rocky IV. Upon his arrival he immediately punched Dolph Lundgren in the face for offering a handshake. When the producer asked why he would do such a thing, he picked the man up, lit his head on fire and smoked him. The director was reportedly Cuban.

Mr T. once pitied so many fools at once that just thinking about the amount of fools he pitied causes you to be automatically pitied.

Mr T once got an erection on a crowded train with beautiful women… they will be missed.
April 1st became known as “April Fool’s Day” only after Mr. T decided it would be easier to pity a whole bunch of fools on a set date rather than pitying a few fools each day.

Mr. T singlehandedly canceled “Friends” by frowning one time.

Mr. T’s dad once made him play Kiddie-Ball when he was little. The first time he was up to bat he hit a homer. They renamed it T-Ball in his honor.

Mr. T once had a staring contest with a statue and won.

Richard Simmons is Vin Diesel, after being pitied by Mr. T.

Mr. T has such a strong understanding of the English language that he can use the word “pity” as a preposition, adverb and a conjunction in a single sentence.

Mr. T doesn’t lift weights because it infers that he has limits to his strength.

Mr. T’s sweat can be used to purify gold. In addition, he doesn’t buy gold… it grows from his neck.

At first President Bush wanted to invade the A-Team’s van. They had intel that Murdock was hiding WMDs. When Bush heard a rumor that it was MR. T’s Pity. He decided it would be safer to go after Iraq.

In 1982 while working as a bouncer Mr. T invented a move so perilous that it is still spoken of with great admiration… that move is forever known as T Bagging.

At his current pace, Mr. T will have pitied every man, woman and child ever born by the year 2012. At that point, he will descend to Hell, offer a final pity for “that fool Devil,” and ascend to take his rightful place as God’s bouncer.

When Mr.T was on the price is right in 1979, he pitied Bob Barker, then he held the wheel still as he spun the world around it.

Every night Mr. T prays: “God grant me the serenity to accept the fools I cannot pity, the courage to pity the fools I can, and some crazy chrome spinners.”

Mr. T doesn’t care what Willis was talking about, it’s probably just a bunch of jibba jabba anyway.

Upon Realizing how many lives it would take to defeat the Japanese in WWII, Gerneral McArthur sent Mr.T and Chuck Noris plane tickets to a Anime convention in Hiroshima. I think we all know what happened next.

In the beginning, Mr. T created the heavens and the earth. And Mr. T said, “Let there be fools”; and there were fools. And Mr. T saw that the fools were bad; and pitied them.

The Hummer can scale a 60 degree incline. Mr. T’s 1982 GMC van can do 115 degrees.

According to Mr T only two languages exist: English and Jibba Jabba.

Mr. T’s penis is so intimidating that it was offered a spot on the group of judges for American Idol. However, this offer was dropped because Simon Cowell didn’t want a bigger d*ck than he was at the judges table.

The last time Mr. T took a dump and flushed it, people thought that there were alligators in the New York sewers.

Mr. T has the ability to kick all forms of ass known to man, 11 forms of ass unknown to man and 3 forms of unknown ass unknown to Yoda. He uses this ability on an hourly basis.

The only reason Mr. T is not Dr. T is because his thesis, entitled “Fools and Those Who Pity Them”, only had a photo of Mr. T with his arms crossed. After the faculty questioned this, they were found dead with their testicles in their eye sockets, even the women. His thesis is still yet to be marked.

Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris once took a sh*t in the same toilet. The result was Rosie O’Donnell.

If you could calculate the amount of pity generated by Mr. T every second, you could make infinity feel ashamed of being ridiculously small.

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

When Mr. T looks at a Magic-Eye illusion, the image changes into a crying child and it never changes back.

A New Jersey doctor once attempted to remove a mole from Mr. T’s back. After 19 hours of surgery, the mole remains and the doctor has been left paralyzed from the neck up.
Scientists don’t actually know how old Mr. T is they can only speculate. They will have to wait until he dies cut his penis in half and count the rings.

There was a time when Mr. T didn’t pity fools. That time was called never.

“Knock, Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Mr. T” “Shit.”

Mr. T can tear glass. Phonebooks are for fools.

Mr. T puts the ‘T’ in pity. Without the ‘T’ it would just be piy – and that’s just plain silly.

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

A week later….. a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

• The most popular person to die of a fit of laughing was a Greek fortuneteller, named Calchas. During the time of the Trojan War, he was growing a few grapevines. Another fortuneteller went by and said that Calc will never be able to drink this wine. Later on, when the grapes ripened and Calc made wine out of them, he called the other fortune teller as well. As they were sipping the wine, the fortune teller told Calchas about what he had predicted. This made Calchas laugh so hard that he died.

• The other tale is of 5 BC. A Greek artist known as Zeuxis was painting a picture of an old lady. When he was done, he started laughing, yet choked and was dead.

• In 3 BC, a Greek philosopher called Chrysippus died of laughing because he had seen a donkey eat figs.

• The next person to be dead because of laughter is a Greek too! An individual called Philemon used to write Greek comedies. One day as he was going through one of his own jokes, he found it so funny that he got a fit of laughter and as a result died.

• In 1556, an Italian author Pierto Arentino was listening to a tale that his sister was telling him. As he was listening to it, he thought it was so hilarious that he experienced a fit of laughter that pushed him back in his seat, and afterwards he died of apoplexy.

• Another peculiar tale is that of a Scottish writer Sir Thomas Urquhart, who died laughing on the restoration of Charles II’s throne in 1660.

• In 1782, a British lady named Mrs. Fitzherbert went to watch The Beggar’s Opera in the Durry Lane Theater. As she saw the character ‘Polly’, she couldn’t control her laughter and rushed out of the theater. She remembered the event, and experienced hysterics. Recalling the scene, some days later she died.

• In 1975, Mr. and Mrs. Alex Mitchell were watching their favorite TV show, ‘The Goodie’s’. Mr. Alex watched a scene which made him laugh for half and hour, and then experienced a heart attack. His wife afterwards wrote a thank you letter to ‘The Goodie’s’ for making the last moments of her spouse full of laughter.

• The newest death is of a Danish audiologist in 1989, called as Ole Bentzen. As he watched the movie ‘A Fish Called Wanda’, he started laughing on the John Cleese’s scene. He laughed so hard that his heartbeat increased to 200 to 500 beats in a minute. Eventually, he experienced a heart attack and died.

• You are not Ansel Adams
• Neither are you Herb Ritz
• Automatic Cameras – Aren’t
• Auto Focus – won’t
• If you can’t remember, you left the film at home
• No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting
• When in doubt, motor out
• If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film
• If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid
• Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching
• The most critical roll of film is fogged
• If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film
• Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to yell at
• The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short supply
• Interchangeable parts aren’t
• Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls
• Weather never cooperates
• Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on location
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
• The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer
• Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work
• Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do
• Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t
• No photojournalist is well dressed
• No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist
• Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs
• The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
  -when animals are ready.
  -when you’re not.
• Same rule just substitute children
• Client Intelligence is a contradiction
• There is no such thing as a perfect shoot
• The important things are always simple
• The simple things are always hard
• Flashes will fail as soon as you need them
• A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture
• Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it
• The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness)
• The lens that falls is always the most expensive.
• when you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud.
• Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap.
• Your batteries will always go dead or you will need to put in a new film canister at the least opportune moment.
• Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open).
• When you shoot the night away and never have to stop. Your film did not roll on to the take up reel.
• Camera are designed with a built-in sensor, that senses the anticipation to develop the film.
  When the level of anticipation is highest, this sensor causes the back to
• Lenses are attracted back to their source – hard rocks.
  Corollary:
  The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction.
• No matter how long you’ve had a convention for marking film holders, you will forget it – when exposing the once-in-a-lifetime shot.
• Safelights – aren’t.
• The greater a photographer’s excitement, the greater its chance of fogging film, scratching prints, and deleting files.
• The success of an assignment is inversely proportional to the product of its importance and the number of people watching.
• Strobes only explode when lots of people are watching.
  Corollary:
  Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see.